Attempt Number Four
by Sirius04L
Summary: Jim sees something that McCoy didn't plan on him seeing and now the young Captain doesn't know if he can live without his Bones. McCoy doesn't realize just how much he means to Jim. Mentions of abuse and suicide. SLASH K/B


**A/N - Ok, so the last couple of time that I've heard "How to Save a Life" by The Fray I have wanted to write a fic like this. So, instead of catching up on all my reading and other work I sat down to write this before I worked on my other two stories. I hope you like it, and, for now, this is a oneshot, the first one I have ever done. But I hope you like it!**

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In the last three years Jim's Kirk life had changed dramatically but for the better. Well he thought it had. Now he was sitting in the dorm room that he shared with McCoy, a bottle of Jack in one hand and a small, empty orange bottle on the nightstand. He thought back on those three years and just couldn't see what went wrong. He was a Captain now, that was going to be made official in a week. But it wasn't worth it, not when McCoy wouldn't be at his side.

Three years ago he had been hitting on a Star Fleet cadet that he knew he had no chance with, but he knew he didn't have a chance when four guys came up to defend her. Honestly, its not like he was doing anything offensive; he hadn't laid a hand on her or made a suggestion that was overly crude. He put up a fight, after all he was James T. Kirk and he did not believe in a no win situation.

Hours later a Captain from Star Fleet was going on about how he could be better than this, how he could live up to the name that his father had given him. Being who he was, he put up his shields and left not thinking anything of it. He spent most of that night driving around thinking about what to do. His past was dark, dark enough to drive him over the edge. If someone hadn't found him each time his attempts would have been successful, but he was James T. Kirk and the universe had something against him, wanted him to live.

And the next morning, when he showed up and got on the shuttle, after telling Pike it would take him only three years instead of four, Jim learned that the universe didn't have something against him. It was keeping him there until he met Leonard H. McCoy.

In that moment Jim realized that he and this man were meant to be friends, of course when someone's first words to you are "I might throw up on you," it's hard to be anything but.

The three years he spent with McCoy at the academy led to many things. First off, the nickname 'Bones' that Jim gave the grumpy doctor. They became roommates and best friends; when Jim would get into trouble McCoy was there to patch him up. When McCoy had a hard day Jim was there to take the bottle away. When Jim broke down and confessed everything, his mother abandoning him, his step father beating the living shit out of him, the nightmares he kept hidden, McCoy was there to listen and to hold him. When McCoy's ex-wife sent him a message telling him to stop trying to contact his daughter Jim was there to tell her off and hold McCoy. When…well you get the idea.

They became everything to each other, after all, they were all the other had. When someone said Jim's name someone brought up McCoy and vice versa. They were a legend at the academy, a team that couldn't be stopped.

It didn't surprise anyone when they became a couple. Sure, before that they had drunken sex and just blew it off the next morning, but things change.

Jim remembered hearing the news that his mother was dead, that Frank finally couldn't reel his anger in and had gone to far. He was sitting on the floor of the room he and McCoy lived in on campus, tears streaming down his face and his eyes red with anger. McCoy walked in from a double at the school's training hospital and was already ranting when he threw his bag on his bed. He took one look at Jim and got on the floor next to him, "What happened kid?"

The younger man looked up shaking. "He killed her! I told her to get away from him, to divorce his ass before he killed her but she didn't listen!" Jim gripped the doctor's hand painfully.

"He almost killed me and Sam but that didn't make her leave him. Sam ran away because of him and that didn't make her leave him. He almost killed me again and again and again and that didn't make her leave him. I thought maybe she would at least try and protect herself but she didn't and now she's dead!"

McCoy gripped his hand back and pulled him close, shushing him in an attempt to calm him down. He heard his own gruff voice telling Jim that it would be ok, he could get through this. He didn't know how much time had passed but he felt Jim relax into his side and he pulled him closer.

"Bones," he said with a voice strained from crying, "I don't have anyone left."

The good Doctor shifted and looked down at Jim giving him a smile, one only Jim really ever got to see. "You got me kid."

"You'll leave too." Jim said letting his head rest against McCoy's shoulder. McCoy was the only that got see Jim like this, so vulnerable and open.

"Look at me. Dammit Jim look at me." he ordered. When Jim did look up he kissed him slowly. It was the first kiss that they shared sober but neither pulled back. Jim recalled the taste of mint and even some bourbon that would never leave McCoy's mouth. He could taste the salt from his own tears but that didn't stop them.

"Taste good." he murmured when they finally pulled apart. His blue eyes looked into the brown of McCoy's and he smile softly.

McCoy dried his face and smirked, "I'm not leaving you Jim. Never leave you behind."

From that point on McCoy never did leave him. They were together in every sense of the word and everyone knew it even if they didn't flaunt. The beds in their room were pushed together and Jim stopped chasing after anything with an orifice.

When Jim was going to be left behind on Earth because of academic suspension McCoy managed to get him onto the Enterprise, even if he had a couple minor allergic reactions. Still, McCoy made good on his promise and brought Jim with him. What happened while they were on the Enterprise was more than a trial to how they felt about each other. Jim was defying orders and trying to save the world, even if that meant going through a half-Vulcan that was three times stronger than he was.

But he was Jim Kirk and he did the impossible. He saved the Enterprise, Earth, Captain Pike all while going from cadet, to First Officer, to Acting Captain. Once he was back on the Enterprise McCoy cornered him in their room, his eyes red and narrowed.

"What the hell were you thinking Jim? You could have fucking died. I'm a doctor, not a damned miracle worker. What if I couldn't have brought you back?"

Jim gave him a tired but cocky smile. "Love you too Bones."

"Damn kids." McCoy muttered and he kissed Jim with everything he had. They became a mess of lips, tongues, and hands as they moved together, needing to know that the other one was there.

It was well beyond three in the morning when McCoy managed to pull his lips away from Jim's. "I have something for you."

Jim looked at him panting, "I think I took enough. I'm surprised we haven't passed out from lack of fluids."

McCoy rolled his eyes and reached over digging into the pockets of his pants. When he came back up to the bed Jim was sitting up watching him. He sat up next to him and looked into those bright blue eyes. "I promised you I'd never leave you. I don't think I could ever live without you, I sure as hell know that I don't want to try."

"Bones…" Jim whispered softly.

"Dammit Jim, say yes." he said showing him the simple band, white gold with two diamonds connected by a series of tiny sapphires. McCoy swallowed when Jim just stared at the ring and didn't say anything. He closed the box sighing. 'I'm sorry…I just thought-"

"How am I supposed to put that on when you shut the box?"

McCoy looked up into the face of Jim Kirk and smiled, "Really?"

"Bones, did you really think I would turn you down?" Jim kissed him grabbing the box and slid the ring onto his finger. "Now you can't get rid of me."

"Good."

That had been two days ago. They made it back to Earth yesterday and had been given a hero's welcome even with all the loss that had been suffered. The crew smiled sadly but they left with out taking part in the festivities. They had been there first hand and seen the damage. Jim and McCoy had been the last to leave the Enterprise, hand in hand, the ring sparkling on Jim's finger.

They laid together that night, neither of them sleeping. They both had debriefings and other meetings to go to in the morning but they just laid there silently, not letting go. They were kept busy like that but next was supposed to be the last one for a couple of days.

This morning they ate a small breakfast before they promised to meet up for dinner at 1900 and then just go to sleep. Jim had every intention of doing just that and he found himself fidgety throughout the day. His thoughts were plagued with what he saw in Space and he wanted to be near McCoy so he could forget. When he was told that he was going to be Captain of the Enterprise his mood lifted and he couldn't wait to see his fiancé.

He rushed to where they were supposed to meet but stopped in his tracks when he saw McCoy standing with a woman he knew to be his ex-wife. The look on McCoy's face was shock at the sight of her and Jim could see the sneaky smile on her face.

Jim started walking towards them when McCoy's face got frustrated but when he saw what happened next he froze and almost fell over. He heard a familiar voice next to him, keeping him from falling and barely registered it as Spock. "James?"

Spock's gaze had followed Jim's and landed on the forms of McCoy and his ex-wife, his hands on her shoulders as they kissed right there in the open. The touch telepath could feel the hurt and betrayal coursing through Jim and did not know what to say.

"I have to go Spock." he said and turned hurried to the dorm room. He grabbed the bottle of Jack and the stash of pills McCoy had to help him sleep and indulged himself. That's how he got to where he was now, thinking once again that the universe hated him after all.

Jim took a swig from the near-empty bottle and looked at the time. Two hours had passed since he had seen his fiancé, his McCoy, his Bones kissing her and he still couldn't forget. That didn't matter, few more minutes and his world would fade to black.

He didn't look up when he heard the door slide open, but instead he let his eyes close.

"Dammit Jim!" he yelled kneeling next to him. "Spock said you saw but…I didn't think you would…" He pushed the bottle out of Jim's hand and hauled him to his feet. McCoy carried Jim to the bathroom put him over the toilet and wetting a cloth with cold water.

"You were kissing her. You said you loved me…wouldn't leave me." he muttered.

McCoy put the rag on the back of his neck. "We'll talk after I get you through this." he said softly. He pried Jim's mouth open and slipped his finger in causing the younger man to throw up.

Once Jim started he couldn't stop and he let it come, McCoy rubbing his back and watching over him. He knew that Jim hadn't taken a lethal dose but if he had finished that bottle…well it could have ended Jim's life. "I'm here Jim." he said and once Jim got some of the alcohol out of his system. McCoy sat against the wall and pulled Jim between his legs and held him there, his hand on his chest so he could watch his heart rate and breathing.

"You still love her." Jim said his head against his shoulders and even from this angle McCoy could see the anguish in Jim's eyes. It had taken a lot of Jim to trust him, to love him, and now Jim thought it was all a lie.

"I don't baby." he whispered. The term of endearment made Jim smile gently; they only spoke like that when they were alone and everything was ok. "I tried to push her off of me, took me a couple seconds but I did. She's decided I'm worth it now. I'm seen as a hero, best friend to the man that saved Earth."

Jim looked up at him and McCoy caught the full spectrum of the emotions running through Jim. Hurt, anger, love, betrayal, sadness. McCoy could feel the same things in himself but if he didn't pull Jim out of this dark place he wouldn't get out of his own.

"Get some sleep baby." he whispered and picked Jim up again and changed him for bed. "I'll be right here when you wake up in the morning." he laid Jim down and gave him something to counteract the rest of the alcohol in his system.

"We'll see." Jim muttered and passed out.

McCoy frowned and held his hand, his finger going over the ring that he had given Jim only two days ago. "I promise." he said gently.

Jim didn't wake up the next morning, or the next afternoon, but McCoy was watching over him and never leaving his side. He just watched over the man he loved, the man he was going to, well hoped he was going to marry and prayed that he would wake up soon. "Come on Jim."

As if he heard him, Jim stirred under the hand that was stroking his hair. He felt like shit but he forced his eyes open and saw a smiling, but concerned McCoy sitting next to him. "Hey." Jim said, his voice hoarse and when he tried to sit up his head spun.

"Easy babe." McCoy rubbed his back and Jim moved into him.

"Why are you here?" Jim asked. He wasn't looking at him anymore but McCoy could tell that Jim wasn't going to just forget this.

"I was going to meet you last night when she called my name. She wants to attach herself back to me now that people seem to think I'm a hero. She kissed me, trying to pull out any feelings that I have for her."

Jim finally looked up his eyes narrowed, "And?"

"There were none. Hell I almost slapped her Jim." McCoy took on of Jim's hands and looked at him.

"You don't know how much you mean to me. After you ran off Spock came over and pulled her away telling me that you saw everything and just left. I cam back and I saw…saw you on the floor like that and I thought you were dead already."

Jim heard the hitch in his voice when he spoke and knew that his lover was telling him the truth but it still hurt. "You didn't push her away."

"I tried, that woman has a grip that would rival Spock's."

McCoy smiled when Jim chuckled softly and he took his place behind Jim and pulled his back to his chest and let his arms wrap around his waist. This was his favorite place to be, from here he could feel Jim breath, see the toned build of his body, play with his hair and other parts of his body.

"You know, last night was attempt number four."

"What?"

"I've tried killing myself before. The first time when I drove the car off the cliff but I chickened out. The second time I was fifteen and Frank had come into my room one night. He tried to…but he was too drunk and passed out but he got far enough to where I wanted to die. I just cut the wrong way." McCoy wanted to stop him but he let Jim continue. "The third time was two nights before I met you. I chickened out again. Then last night…"

"Jim…"

"I haven't had thoughts like that since we met you know that? And when I thought I lost you last night-"

"Jim you will _never_ lose me."

The younger man smiled and looked ahead at the window, catching their reflection. "I had some really good news to tell you last night."

"Jim, you can tell me now."

Jim rested his head and McCoy's shoulder and looked up at him. "We're both stationed on the Enterprise, you're the CMO."

McCoy kissed his forehead almost scared to let him go. "I'm going on whatever ship you get assigned to."

"That's why you're still on the Enterprise. I even pulled a few strings and we get to share a room." Jim kissed his neck, craving the contact from McCoy. "Pike offered to perform the ceremony you know…after we graduate on Friday."

"Really…but damn Jim those rooms are small."

Jim laughed again and turned around to face him, getting in his lap and straddling it slowly. "Ours won't be."

McCoy held his hips. He liked Jim in this position but tonight nothing would come from that. Jim needed to rest and fully recover. "Oh, and how do you know?"

Jim moved closer resting his head against the crook of his neck. "Well, see the Captain has the biggest room on the ship and I pulled some strings and they're adding a bigger bed and modifying it to fit two people."

"Why would we be in…Jim?"

"Yes Bones?"

"You-you're Captain?"

Jim smirked looking up at him, "Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise."

At that moment, McCoy kissed him so hard that Jim fell backwards off the bed but neither cared. When they pulled back for air Jim laughed and McCoy frowned.

"Dammit."

"Bones what's wrong?"

"Now I'm really gonna have to watch over your ass." McCoy looked down and saw those blue eyes sparkling and that bright smile.

"Right now you need to be doing something else with my ass. And that Bones, is an order."

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**A/N - Sooo…did you love it or hate it. Let me know what you think and thanks for reading!**

**L.A.**


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